Personnage

Personnage

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The Coming Dawn

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With Dawntrail knocking at our doors, Endwalker is drawing the final curtain on its (almost) three long years of development. For the good or the bad, this expansion has been an extremely important part of me, both in-game and in real life, one I’ll never forget.
I wanted to relive such memories one last time as I push forward, stronger and wiser in both failures and successes alike, as I myself sign the end of a huge chapter of my experience, and turn page as I start a new one with a grand adventure.
The pictures here will also serve as a memento of how I looked until now and the various races I played as, since Dawntrail will see my aspect a bit different.


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The ASPHODELOS era
(December 3rd 2021~August 22nd 2022)


The transition from Shadowbringers to Endwalker has been nothing short of amazing for me: my “family” (Tofu, Yoonie & Adore) was still pretty active, and so were my IRL friends (Fede, Vash & Xevad), not to mention my former static (Titan is Thicc) still on the ready for all EW had to offer. It was a great start and a good time to live in, except for the insane amount of players of the first weeks (I fortunately don’t foresee the same happening in DT, for several reasons) and my work being quite bad in terms of impact on my mood and life in general.

Those months changed me and my life more than anything else before: back in ShB, I still was too new and my only desire was to challenge myself and getting better day by day, thinking the others were on the same page and level. During Asphodelos, I came to understand I was the black sheep in the team. The constant failures and disappointments, mixed with a worsening mental and physical health due to work caused the first, major breakpoint of my experience. The ones I thought had my back and shared my same ideals showed their true colors, and a growing sense of friction between us eventually destroyed everything I built with love, determination and hope in the morrow.
It’s been in those weeks I learnt I am on my own. The path I walk is a solitary one, and I had no one to open to, having lost all the people I thought were my friends. Depression ramped up, but was mostly countered by the fact my real life was getting better by the day, after quitting my former job.
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The ABYSSOS era
(August 23rd 2022~May 29th 2023)


Coming from a such depressing and dark era, I was very lost on what to do next: given my tryhard nature, I’d have never fit casual statics, and hardcores weren’t my call either since I never liked that kind of gameplay. I then decided to search for a midcore one to start off a new chapter, and found Lunar Eclipse.
My mood definitely improved thanks to the guys, with whom I could get back at smiling and laughing again… But not for long: the team had issues clear as sun since day 1, and we struggled and went through unspeakable suffering to clear the first three floors… Only to disband midway P8S (part 1) after many clashes and ramping problems from the members.

All the above points, paired with the fact I still was on my own while doing Unreals, Extremes, roulettes, Criterions and whatsnot regardless of how many times I tried asking for help or company, led to an even greater sense of disappointment and depression that eventually exploded as I tried clearing P8S on my own in Party Finder (like Bentic did while we still were starting it), only to constantly find idiots that couldn’t handle any of the mechanics, and I lost a whole week without achieving anything.
That’s been my second major breakpoint, on the very January 2nd, this time really leading to a state of depression I won’t forget that easily. One that forced me to stop playing at all, even.

If it wasn’t for Bentic and Reeda constantly trying to get me back in the game, I would’ve slept on it until Anabaseios came out. Near the end of January, I gave up, and decided to give it another shot, creating what’s been a big part of my life up until some months ago: WhErE wErE tHe EeLs?!.
More or less in the same period, I eventually decided to give my father’s job a go, very skeptical at first, but determined to still searching for another while I still worked there. I eventually found very fun individuals in WWtE, and we managed to clear and reclear P8S together. Meanwhile, my real life got a bit better since working in the factory I still am in wasn’t that bad as I pictured; at the same time, I started receiving news about my previous workplace imploding without me around. Karma, eh?
There is an important lesson to learn from all those months: “the devil I don’t know” has nothing on me, and I should follow my guts more instead of overthinking, overworrying and close my eyes to situations I hate being involved in.
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The ANABASEIOS era
(May 30th 2023~today)


Possibly the most controversial and eventful of all the timespans put together. So (too) many things happened, I wouldn’t even know where to start telling from, but almost all of them have a bittersweet sense of achievement drowning in a sea of frustration, anger and disappointment.
Whenever something good happened, two more bad things were waiting down the road; most of my blacklist? Filled in these months. Why can’t achievements be claimed with fun and willpower, but instead always and only with frustration and anger attached? Why don’t I respond to others with the same treatment they give me? Why do I keep indulging the demons I knew all along? Why do I still believe in people?

This timespan shaped me more than I wanted, and I will not go back to what I’ve been before. Betrayal, envy, disappointment, anger, irrationality, frustration, disgust, self-entitlement, childishness. These are words to describe these months. Sure, there have been a couple good episodes too, but they’re largely eclipsed by the avalanche of shit the rest has been.
WWtE is no more, and I am very unlikely to chain myself to a group or befriend people at all, going forward. This final break, though, didn’t cause the same emotional damage the others in the past did: only disappointment and anger remained instead of depression. I can’t come to hate the people involved in all the team’s problems of the latest months of its life, but a thing is for sure: I never forget, and I even less ever forgive.

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Dawntrail signs the beginning of a new, unknown chapter for me, and the pen is mine for the taking in its writing, this time around. As testimony of my will, I’ll wipe clean all my blacklists (7.0 will differentiate between pre-7.0 and post-7.0 blacklisted idiots, so it kinda makes sense to reset, and some old entries I have in them might not even be playing anymore anyway, so it doesn’t hurt to free some space regardless), commit a purge of friendlists (there surely are people in there I barely remember of, or that added me but never really spoke much), and finally leave the Free Company (my hardcore ass doesn’t really belong there, but I admittedly never really tried hard in making new acquaintances either though, because of the former point) and all the Discord Servers I am not “part" of or am not using anymore.
I shall be the shaper of my own experience, and I’ll let at nothing and no one to stop me from achieving my goals and desires, even if it means cutting bridges with them forever. People don’t care about anyone else but themselves, so why should I?
A lone wolf I am, a lone wolf I'll die.




Bonus picture I commissioned some time ago to commemorate the beginning of a new adventure and my newfound resolve.
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